I'm back!
Saturday, Jul. 10, 2004 at 9:46 AM
I know, I know, hell has frozen over again. I'm writing. But damn if I didn't, I'd explode.
I have so much on my mind, and I really need to get some of it off my chest.
Now that I'm sitting here, it's like: Where do I start? There's so much.
I made an appointment with a psychiatrist later this month. I know that in the end it's me who has to figure everything out, but I can't do this alone anymore. And I alienate my friends- I push them away and when I'm frustrated, I take it out on them. It's not fair and it's not right and it's who I am.
I'm trying so hard to be a good person, and it seems that no matter how hard I try, I just suck. I'm slowly sinking back into myself. I'm hiding more and more and I was doing so well!!!!
Bryan is mad at me because of a few incidents where he says I was out of line. And I was. There's reasons I was, but he didn't bother to ask if anything was bothering me or not, he just asumed that my crabbiness was because I was TRYING to be mean and hurtful. I don't want to go tit for tat with him, I'm just going to let it ride, but he's not even talking to me now. Yesterday, he was at Mark's and I said "Hey guys" and he didn't even turn to look at me. Nice.
And Lorie, who is supposed to be my friend, is too involved with Nick to even listen to me yesterday. I was upset and talking to her and she wasn't listening. I said something and she would go, yeah, uh huh, okay. Then she said she had to go because she was with Nick. Thanks. It's rare that I turn to someone for help, I rarely ask for it. When I do, please be there for me.
I feel so alone, yet I'm surrounded by friends.
And this dating thing is driving me nuts! I'm so sick of going on mindless dates that go nowhere or where the guy expects sex. Hello, I'm not putting out, you have the wrong girl.
I just want to meet someone, get to know them and be in that 'relationship' stage. Not the settled down stage, just the committed stage.
I'd like to meet someone I click with who's looking for a relationship, whom I find attractive. Is that too much to ask?
All of a sudden, since I got so picky, I'm not finding anyone who fits the bill. But I'm done with dating someone until the next best thing comes along.
I'm not sleeping well. I think it's my arthritis acting up again.
Work is going well, stress there is at a minimum. The only stress-factors I have are this thing with Bryan, Lorie suddenly disappearing and the whole dating thing. All of which aren't life or death, but it's frustrating.
But I feel 10x better now because I wrote it all out. I'm going to go shower and then go rollerblading for a bit. Maybe I'll workout too. That sounds like a plan.
Okay, I'm outie (I always roll my eyes when I say that)... TTYL- Miss