I'm short but I'm happy...
Thursday, Mar. 04, 2004 at 2:24 PM
Kate sent me an email and I started writing her back and figured I'd post it on here as well:
Wow. Okay... Get this...
4 years ago, this was me.
I was waiting until I got married to have sex. I wasn't going to go to school, I was going to get married right away (I just needed a guy I could put up with that long). I was still going to church every Sunday and I I was scared to death of my aunt. I was submissive, a quiet type and close-minded. I had never seen a guy naked nor had I let anyone see me naked. The fathest I'd gone was french kissing Bryan Javier and even then, I'd bit his tongue when he stuck it inside my mouth. I had never smoked, nor had I tasted alcohol. I kissed Clayton Paul outside one day and he'd just smoked a bowl and it made me so nauseous, I threw up. I was going to be the editor of some big name newspaper in some big city, but I didn't want to leave Kenosha. I swore I'd stay friends with everyone. I was still talking to Jennifer. She was my best friend. The middle of Senior year, I started to change a bit. I was dating Jon, we were naked 90% of our relationship. We didn't have sex, but that's because I was terrified of it. In less than a year, I moved out, moved in with the first real gay person I knew, got drunk many, many times. Many of the people I trusted in high school turned against me. I was lied to, maliciously attacked and I had to re-examine everything all over agian. I was suicidal and working 3 jobs. I jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend searching for something I never found. I still don't know exactly what it was I was looking for. Love, maybe? Mary came back into my life at this time. She helped me thorugh so much. I broke up with Tim, who was emotionally draining. I moved in with my grandma and started dating Rob. I started rebuilding my friendship with Kate. Josh and I started hanging out more and more. He came out to me in his car on the way to Racine one day. About a month later, Jeff came out to me at the Spot. I still remember what he said "Missie, I kiss boys" (Jeff, I kiss boys too) :) Not too much longer after that, I met a girl. I fell head over heals for her. I thought I was losing it. I still remember asking Jeff what to do. I said- Jeff, if she were a guy, I'd date her. And he said- Miss, why does she have to be a guy? So I grappled with the fact that I was bisexual. From there on out, most of the past few years are a blur of beach days, Chicago trips, trips to the Dells, break-ups, first kisses and dinner parties at my house. I renewed a friendship with my first friend in the whole world. I was in his wedding and I'm the God-Mother of his adorable little girl. I went through what I called my own sexual revolution. I am at one with my body (most of the time) and I'm confident and proud. I met another girl who rocks my world to this day. I've met a few guys who do the same. I've become the person I always wnted to be and I finally found what I was looking for. Me. I know who I am finally and I know I'm strong. And when people tell me I've turned into my mom, I tell them thanks.
If you'd have told me I'd be where I am today, I'd probably wouldn't have believed you. I've got 2 years of night classes ahead of me. And hopefully one day (before my boobs start to sag) I'll meet someone, fall madly in love and have 40 babies. My future, for once, is wide open.
I am still short though. That hasn't changed. LOL