I love you just the way you are as well
Sunday, Jan. 16, 2005 at 3:10 PM
Well hello there...
I'm getting so much better at updating this thing.
Today I'm sitting at Greg's work, in his office. I spent the night at his house last night and since he drove, I ended up coming to work with him this morning. Normally he doesn't work on weekends, but there's some server stuff that needs to be done that I don't know much about and he's got to do it.
So, since I finished my book, I'm trying (hard) to entertain myself. I wish I had a book.
So an update? Hmm... Greg and I are doing fine. Things are slowing down and we're finding some middle ground in which to travel in this road of familiarity. Life hasn't slowed down, which is really wearing me out, but I'll live.
Last night I got back from Montreal. It was a blast. I went for work and at night got to see the town.
Nothin' too spectacular to report.
Now that Greg and I are in the calming down stage, it's kind of been an adjustment. I have my moments of insecurity where I just need to know that he's in this as much as I am. And I'm sure that he thinks that now he's said how he feels, he doesn't need to say it again. But I need to hear it every so often.
Why? Because I'm a girl about things like that.
I get scared that now that we're getting out of the 'lust/foggy-can't-see-straight/think-straight/every-thing-about-you-is-perfect stage' that he's going to turn and walk away.
I know it isn't true, but try telling my stupid brain that. Not even my brain. Or my heart. It's got to be some obscure part of my body like my pancreas or something. It sends panic signals to my brain that say "Don't get too caught up in how happy you are. It could be taken out from underneath you in an instant. Don't get too comfortable. You don't know if he's saying that to keep you around until the next best thing comes around. Things like this seem too good to be true MUST be too good to be true because they ARE too good to be true."
Anyone need an extra pancreas? You can have mine.
So I think I'm driving Greg nuts by overreacting. But if he knew how much I'm keeping inside me, I think he'd run, not walk, to the nearest exit.
It's just old fears of being left behind. It's also growing up loving someone and thinking they love you, only to find out that you are indeed dispensable. Replaceable.
And as much as I'm over it and strong, it's something that happens when you realize that this person you love with all your heart could turn around and hurt you in a heartbeat.
As soon as this wave of unease passes, I'm sure it'll be okay.
This unease also causes me to be more withdrawn than normal. I'm afraid to laugh too loud or being too silly for fear it'll scare him away.
Stupid, right? I'm telling you, I told my brain and heart this. They understand. Stupid pancreas.
Last night, he did something that shook me to my core. And made me so happy, I almost cried.
He was looking at my belly, which he does a lot. He made a comment about my belly one day being pregnant and kissed it.
Now, if that doesn't show commitment, I don't know what does.
He played the song "I Love You Just The Way You Are", by Billy Joel.
Don't go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don't imagine you're too familiar
And I don't see you anymore
I wouldn't leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times
I'll take you just the way you are
Don't go trying some new fashion
Don't change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care
I don't want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.
I need to know that you will always be
The same old someone that I knew
What will it take 'till you believe in me
The way that I believe in you.
I said I love you, and that's forever
And this I promise from the heart
I could not love you any better
I love you just the way you are.
~~
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to play it to my pancreas.