The Opposite Of War Isn't Peace, It's Creation!

Monday, Feb. 16, 2004 at 4:23 PM


So Friday night, John and I went out (we all went out for Josh�s birthday) and everything was going great. We were all dancing and having a good time. There was this guy who is always at Have A Nice Day (Tom) and he was dancing by us. I heard him ask John if he was my boyfriend and John said, �yeah, kinda�. Now, I don�t know why, but it bugged the hell out of me. I mean, I love being around John. He�s awesome. And I�m not mad at him at all. At ALL. But having someone say that I was there�s� It bugged me. And I don�t really know why.

I mean, yeah, John and I were together there. He was my date. And we are dating. So why did it bug me so much?

I thought about it a lot this weekend *when I wasn�t drunk* and I think it�s because maybe I just don�t want to settle down right now. It doesn�t mean that I don�t want to still date. But maybe I�m not ready for a relationship. I mean, going out this weekend and partying and not having to worry about anything, it was great. I just don�t want to feel like I can�t have fun anymore. I have yet to find a guy or girl who isn�t going to be insanely jealous if someone comes up and dances with me. It�s so flattering. I�m not going to kiss them, grope them or leave with them, but I like being able to meet new people and not have to worry that someone else thinks it�s more than what it is. It�s not fair for me to commit to someone right now, because I can�t commit 100% of my time to him or her.

I enjoy being able to do my thing. If I want to stay home, I can. If I want to go out, I can. If I want to go out with my guy friends or my close friends, I don�t have to worry about inviting someone else to come along if I don�t want to. I get to pick the amount of time I spend with someone because I�m single. I don�t have to worry about hurting anyone or being hurt. I am in control of the situation.

The only problem being, I like John. I like Rich. I like Tom. They are 3 awesome guys. Sooner or later, one of them is going to ask me to commit and a: I�ll say no and hurt them, b: I�ll say yes and hurt the others, or c: I�ll have kept myself at arms length for so long, I won�t be able to let them in.

I am to the point where I am not afraid of being hurt as much as I am afraid I am going to hurt someone. And I know that I am going to lose one, two or all three of these guys if I continue on this path.

Any ideas on what I should do?

Dazed and Confused-

Love, Miss



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