Yet again, my life catches up to me...
Tuesday, Jan. 13, 2004 at 4:13 PM
Okay- second entry today.
January 13, 2004
Wow, it�s the 13th already. Half way through January... Hell, I just barely survived December. Although, I must admit that the past 6 months have flown by. Who�da thunk it that 6 months ago, I was just meeting Mike and getting to know him. Scott and I had broken up a few months before that and, well� wow. A year ago today, I was with Scott. We were, believe it or not, a happy couple. Well, let�s see� It would have been right after Christmas then� What did I get Scott? I honestly don�t remember. Huh. Weird. I�ll have to ask him. I think I got my promise ring for Christmas. Well, I know I got it before Christmas, but it was a Christmas present.
Then we started having problems. Both of us had one foot out the door for the next few months� each of us edging silently away. Like the conversation you are trying slowly to back away from before you are a safe enough distance away to turn and run for your life.
Rob was in Afghanistan.
Anywho- so 6 months ago, Mike and I were getting closer. We had a great time together, but I wasn�t ready for a relationship. And I felt myself falling into an oblivion-induced comatic state. I was falling into routine. And I wasn�t ready for it. Which, I guess is sad, because Mike is a great guy.
So Mike and I date for 3 months. Good times, yet, I still have one foot out the door.
We break up and soon after I meet Rich. Somewhere between there and here, I became the person that I have always wanted to be.
How amazing is that?
I�ve gotten past my self-loathing, my need for a man and my intense fear of being alone.
I�ve gotten to the point where I KNOW what I want out of myself. I may not know what I want out of life, but who does?
6 months ago, Kate and I got in a huge fight. I thought I�d never talk to her again. A thought that made me sad and fearful that I�d end up leaving everyone who mattered to me.
Now, we�re talking. And you�d think it�d be weird between us. Like we have those awkward pauses or weird moments of silence� But we didn�t. Anything but, actually. It felt like we didn�t have enough time to talk.
I�ve met some pretty cool guys, some pretty awesome gals.
Amy and I became that much closer. God, I tears me up not to have her next to me. It hurts, almost physically. Like a piece of me is missing.
I came out to all my friends less than a year ago. I embraced being bi-sexual instead of running from it. I fell in love with a girl. Someone I know I could never have.
My grandma and I came full circle. We�re closer now than we ever were.
I�ve grown up.
Sometimes I thought that would never happen.
I want to get my thoughts out about Tom. It almost scares me because he�s so into me. I�m keeping my distance, yet his smile melts my resistance to nothing. This feels differently than Rich and everyone else. It�s almost as though it�s a fresh start. I can take this slow and see where it goes. I told him that I don�t want to jump into anything right now. If he asked me right now to be his and only his, I couldn�t 100% say yes. To him or anyone else. But I do not want to go through what happened with Rich. We date for a few months and then what? Nothing? Nothing. Just another waiting game. If Rich wants me, he knows where to find me. If I�m worth it to him, he�ll know what to do.
But Anywho- I have to go- work calls and I have a lot to do. Let me know what you guys think about all this�