I don't want to talk about my flair...
Friday, Jan. 09, 2004 at 12:07 PM
So- Kate and I went out last night. I can't say that I've had more fun than that in a while.
I missed her. And I'd talked to a friend of mine about calling her and talking to her, but I ended up not doing it. So when she emailed me yesterday, I was stoked.
We went out for a few hours and really just ended up doing what Kate and I do- we drove. This one time, we drove out to Delevan and back late at night taking all the back roads. It was crazy. We voted for Rascal Flatts "I Melt" on 104.7. Good times.
I missed that. And I miss how Kate is one of the only people I am really me around- 100% of the time. Maybe it's because we've been friends since 10th grade. I don't know. But we'be both changed, matured, whatever in the past 3-4 months and there were no glitches in our time last night. I honestly had a blast. I laugh harder and longer with Kate than I do with anyone else. And I think that whatever problems we had, are gone. And if they are there, they're managable.
That said- Amy and I are fighting right now. And it leaves me feeling pretty empty. She's my best friend. And not having her to call and tell about my date, not knowing about how she is and what's up. It's hard. But the thing is: I have apologized for what I did wrong. She had aproached this whole situation wrong and made me feel like absolute shit. And that's not friendly, nor is it someone that I want to be around. So I'm giving her space and letting her come to me when she feels like she can talk.
There's a huge situation going on with my ex Matt. He had sex with my friend Ben's Ex. No biggie, but Matt has been the one who's been there for Ben this whole time while Ben and his ex were breaking up. So how can you support someone and pretend to be their friend, when you're screwing their ex?
Ben came to me, told me that he'd been told about the situation: by 3 people or whatever: and asked me about it. I confirmed it because he already knew. I said- yeah, that's what I heard also.
So everyone is running for cover while war and chaos ensue. (which reminds me, I want to get that book- the chaos theory)
I'm staying out of it, but since Amy likes Ben and Matt and I are friends, I'm in it no matter of if I want to be or not.
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For the good news:
I went on a date with Andy last night. We went to Barnes and Noble and had cider. It was really nice. He's just as cute in person as he is on his profile. And he looked REALLY cute last night.
But besides that, and my extreme nervousness, I was able to relax somewhat. Enough for us to have a great conversation. We were there until close and I bought the Vagina Monologs book (I can't spell today).
As we were driving home, he called me and we talked for another hour.
It was nice.
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Now Rich. I still like him, a lot. But, and even though he swears up and down it's not true, he's been distant. He's been slammed with work, and I understand that. But when I call, he's quiet and when he says "I'll call ya back" he doesn't.
If he called and wanted to do something, I'd still go. But I'm not going to close myself off to the whole world because I'm waiting for him.
I mean- we hung out how many times, how much and were getting where? If you don't know if you want to really sit down and talk about being with someone by then, doesn't that mean that you just really don't want to be with them. Scared or not- either you jump or you don't and if we aren't jumping, then I'm swimming the sea. (how cute of me- get it- more fish in the sea- swimming- jumping?) LOL
I'm not saying that I don't want to see Rich, because I do and I want to hang out with him and still see where this leads, but I am not going to put myself in the situation where I could get hurt. I had options: Sit and wait for him to want to be in a relationship, walk away for good, or something in between. And I'm choosing the latter.
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Let's see- what else?
Rob. That's a whole novel. And that's something that I don't think I'd write on here. It's something sacred to me. Something between him and I that I hold very dear to me. I love that boy more than anything in this world. And over the past few weeks, we've talked- a lot. And I think I finally have closure. If he comes back and I'm single, maybe we'll try again. But I'm not waiting or holding my breath. Right now I'm so thankful that he's my friend. And very close to being my best friend. He knows me better, inside and out, than anyone. And our friendship and relationshp with one another is very strong. I think that an outsider, looking in cannot understand this.
It's not a hangup or a guy I need to get over. It's deeper than that. A honest, pure love that we shared that turned into the most amazing friendship. I needed to tell ihm I loved him to close the circle.
I'm not pining for him or waiting for him. I'm not stuck on some hope that we'll be togther. I'm just happy he's in my life. Whatever the title may be.
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Well, that's my weekend/week/year so far in review.
Ciao- Miss